The Coming Revolution
Be a part of History! Contribute to the new world order! Bitch and moan about people who annoy you! Sound like fun? Join my revolution!
Johnath's Revolution (TM) is an opportunity for us all to place lovingly those individuals who carry a special place in our hearts against the cold hard wall of justice. This page will serve as a collection of those mindless jerks who will be first against the wall when the revolution comes. And the best part is, having little about which to be personally dissatisfied, I'm opening the floor to you, my co- revolutionaries. We're gonna get ourselves a great big wall when we get this thing rollin, and I want it full. So send me your suggestions, and watch the list grow. Naturally, as leader of the revolution, I have final say on wall placement, but all suggestions will be duly noted.
A Note on The Wall's Philosophy: I went through a lot of soul-searching recently, when I got this submission for the wall:
Whiny, pseudo-angst ridden Gothlets need to be beaten down and shown what misery and human suffering is really like. If your outfit cost more than $75, it's more than likely you're not suffering too much. So shut up, stop writing such crappy poetry, cease and desist with the ridiculously silly names like "Lord DarkMorbidSableBoogerNoir", and for God's sake stop clogging the web with websites dedicated to your annoying need for gratification through thinly veiled cries for attention.
The thing is, this is some Grade A anger. :) I mean, this guy is not only demonstrably annoyed, but in keeping with The Wall's most fundamental guiding principle, he expresses it in a poignantly vitriolic way. I really wanted to include this. The problem is, while the anger is totally First Class, I can't really back the sentiment. I'm not really a "Piss on how others express themselves" type of guy, and putting this entry on the page would really make a statement I didn't want to. So by all means, send 'em in, and if you can muster this kind of panache while doing it, great, but while I don't mind dispensing with the annoyances of life, I'm gonna make an effort not to attack people just for being different. Unless they bug me.
Note to New Readers: In an effort to irritate and confuse, this page has been organized so that new items are added to the top of the list, not the bottom. Historians and other chronology nuts will thus probably want to read from bottom to top. (Mmm... chronology nuts... crunchy)

I don't know why someone didn't mention this before... although, it's prolly 'cause us computer people never venture outside. ^_^; Mosquitoes! Damn them all to hell and may they never come back! There's nothing worse than being over at a friends house, with no A/C, and the air is humid enough to add an extra 15 lbs to your weight. Oh, no... I'm sorry, there is something worse... you could be doing that, and then discover that you have mosquito bites on your body that, because of the humidity, will never stop itching! If ever you're mad at someone, I don't think you could find a more terrifying curse, than to wish them to have their residence infested with mosquitoes.
It may be difficult to line up every single mosquito against the wall - and shooting them may also be less than effective. However, I imagine it would be sufficient to take out certain key mosquitos that occupy positions of power.
-- The Management
In regards to the previous entry (see below) I would like to say that normally the people I'd throw against the wall are the anti-corporate conspiracy wack-nuts. So please, no flames talking about how I'm one of them. Otherwise... well... it's a BIG wall. Despite my general support of the free market though, I am still comfortable calling a dumbass a dumbass.
-- Johnath
IDG Books. These are the people that make the "Cranial Neuropathology For Dummies®" type books. They also happen to be members of that special breed of corporations that try to hassle and intimidate anyone using the phrase "... For Dummies". I mean, come on now. Maybe it's the patent office's fault for ever having allowed a normal English phrase to be trademarked in the first place, but that doesn't excuse it. And to those who tell me they have a legal obligation to pursue all cases whether they like it or not, give it up. They are only, as I understand it, legally required to pursue infringements resulting from misuse by a commercial entity. What's more, they are quite specifically barred from legally attacking fair use, or satirical usage. Do yourself a favour, don't support the Dummies®.
-- Johnath
Whom do I hate? Against whom do I rail my fists in righteous fury? I hate those that do nothing but suck the soul out of humanity, fat parasitic bastards destroying all that is good and right. I'm talking about the makers of Old Navy commercials. Never have I seen a group of people more fit for being set on fire. These people invade all our sources of information about world events: radio, television,newspapers, etc. They do irreperable damage to our minds and souls by wasating valuable brain cells. These brain cells are twisted by the infinitely twisted ad campaigns so that all they do is replaying them, causing us infinite pain. I would see these [anus-exit-points] twisted, stabbed, smashed, slashed, dismembered, diced, drowned, crushed, ground, grinded, abraded, immolated, injured, and incinerated. Rinse and repeat.
Huge, sprawling bureaucratic educational organizations, who when given talented workers proceed to squeeze the life out of them forcing them to do inane projects with unrealistic deadlines and expectations of absolute perfection. Who dictate projects and generate designs by a crusty 'council of ancients' composed of people who couldn't recognize art if they were told by Monet himself. Who take creativity, innovation, and design by the hand, lead them into a room and beat them over the head with a sledgehammer and run them over with a zamboni machine for good measure because it's not what 'they' think is good or wholesome.
No reason to limit this to educational organizations, this is something I see too often, and hate too much. Also, I like the word 'zamboni'. Zamboni Zamboni Zamboni. The word has lost all meaning to me.
-- The Management
Pretenders to my throne. Those who use the name "Johnath" without, technically, being me.
--The Johnath
The girl I know as a casual - email only acquaintance, who thought it would be nice to add me to her email list, and who, being fairly new to the net, thinks that noone else has seen the plethora of mass distributed email drivel that floods the whole system and has done so since the beginning of the net. Stupid poems, cutesy ASCII drawings, chain letters that prophesise dire warnings if not passed on `if you do not forward this, your love life will be very poor, you will die, etc. ', the `microsoft will give you some money to forward this email' email, the `for every copy, 7 cents will go to a small child / the american cancer council / the Educate Naive Internet Fools society' email, a selection of stupid jokes, virus warning, with the headers from almost everyone who has seen it so far, more cutesy poems, deep and saddening tales with a thoughtful moral at the end, more virus warnings, 1 and a half megabyte word files loaded with pictures (and me on a dialup account), cryptically named multi megabyte .EXE files (CHECK THIS OUT!!1!) , which I delete on sight, joke lists from when dinosaurs roamed the earth and told crappy jokes, cautionary tales, urban legends (THIS REALLY IS TRUE!! IT HAPPENED!) , more chain letters that supposedly know who I've sent email to and have the power to instill good luck, and more feel good stories with biblical quotes.
--Tom Elliot
I have a lot of friends who do this, rest assured that if you are one of these people, you will be on the protected scrolls by virtue of being a friend of mine. On the other hand, you might consider keeping your distance from Mr. Elliot here...
-- The Management
Ricki Martin. Is there really anything else to be said?
--Brandon Upp
Those lusers that don't how cool I am when I make vague, arcane references to unix lore, thus proving how cool I am.
--Tom O'Neil
Sarcasm. (We hope).
-- The Management

Bell Atlantic. For being the only game in town, botching my T1 installation, promising not to charge me for installation, charging me $700 anyway, and then pretending they never promised not to charge me in the first place.
(P.S. this complaint best read to the tune of Kenny Wayne Shepherd's "Everything is Broken.")
--Brian J. Cohen
Political Science students who set up working parties to organise the running of the planning committee of the students union.
--Paul Grimes
Anyone who calls up tech support claiming it is YOUR fault that it is broken, disregarding the fact that you have never seen or heard of this person before that moment. Invariably it is YOUR fault the software in question was "broken" because they applied a y2k "fix" and rolled the date back, thus blowing the database to kingdom come. Nevertheless, it is YOUR fault, and YOU WILL HEAR FROM THEM AGAIN. This is usually right before you take a long smoke break and walk across the street to the US West CO and plug a portable honda electric generator into the trunk line leading to their residence, thus improving the gene pool and enriching at least a few technicians lives.
--Signal 11
The only people that need to die first are those people who insist on standing side-by-side on escalators, and then NOT MOVING! Escalators look like stairs, so you'd think that walking would be a natural action on them. If you want to @#$!$ stand still and go up or down, take a bloody elevator! These people are yet one more example of Chris' 3rd Law of Life: "There are few, if any, problems in life that cannot be solved through the judicious and proper use of a hammer"
--Chris Rose
Or at least, walk left, stand right. :)
-- The Management

Programmers who are too stupid to think about what they are doing when the say 'Press any key to continue'... what the hell exactly is 'any key' why does any key usually mean the space bar or the enter key? Why is it that when I press escape or a function key that it doesn't do anything? Like it's that hard to scan the rest of the godamned keyboard! If you want to say 'Press enter to continue' SAY IT FOR GOD SAKES!!!
--Paul Andrew Arbour
Note To Self: Eep.
-- The Management

People who are STILL clogging email boxes with the "Dancing Baby" MPEG
--Sean Kearns
Sunday November 28, 1999: User Friendly makes the Coming Revolution its link of the day. My inbox explodes. I begin digging monitor shrapnel out of my face, and entering new entries furiously while supposedly completing my database programming assignment. BTW - A lot of people are suggesting Microsoft. I thought that went without saying. :)
"Any and all whiners, lusers, etc... who have the overwhelming arrogance to approach a programmer with an inane, cosmetic, or downright impossible change to an application, despite the fact that such a change would cause the program to lose any and all functionality for all users other than themselves. This also includes those who complain about all features not working BEFORE the program is intended to be available for use, and those who, while they may have a valid complaint, will return at 5 minute intervals wondering why the massive change they requested hasn't been finished yet... The wall may not be necessary, as such creatures are most often annihilated shortly after discovery of their true nature."
-- The Snowman.
Note: We sense some anger here. Medication dosages have been adjusted accordingly.
-- The Management

Canon Tech Support. And Marketing. And Human Resources. And everything else with the Canon logo. And everyone who has ever lied through their teeth by speaking well of Canon. And any person who has knowingly passed a Canon executive while in possession of a weapon, and failed to kill them where they stand. Oh, and Pat Sajak.
-- Matt (with artistic improvements by Johnath).
Presumably on behalf of Canon users everywhere.

People with the audacity, no, pomposity, no, with the plain and simple gall to assume that they should actually be allowed off the subway before I get on.
-- Mr. 3-eyebrow-piercings and the 15,000 door cramming idiots
(PS - sarcasm.) (PPS - but a great name for a rock group.)

Your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
-- The United States Immigration Service

The two women on the subway popping bubblewrap. For fifteen stops. And we're not talking about young girls or something, we're talking fifty year old women. For the whole damned subway ride. I mean, they actually followed us when we transferred and kept right on popping. They even had a bag (I swear I'm not making this up) full of more bubble wrap, in case they ran out. A whole bag. I mean really, who does that?
-- Concerned Citizens of Toronto
Michael Bolton (with or without Kenny G.)
-- "People who like music"
The Kansas State Board of Education.
-- The Benevolent Brotherhood of Getabrain
Kingston Guys.
-- Kingston Girls
People who sue corporations for failing to prevent them (the people) from their own stupidity. For an illuminating example, click here.
-- The Mgmt.
The guy who came up with "Scroll Lock". (You know it was a guy. Girls are weird, but they don't create things that are utterly without purpose.) (P.S. Don't send me email telling me that you use Scroll Lock everyday, for several vital functions, and that only a moron would not see the benefits of such a wondrous creation. You are a dumbhead.)
-- Johnath
All those who resist your benevolent rule!
-- Loyal Subject #18493
Any and all celebrity mayors, governors, and other public representatives. Including, but not limited to: The Late Sonny Bono, Jesse "The Governor" Ventura, The Honourable Member of Ontario Parliament David "I played a snuff-film dealer in a Cronenberg flick" Tsubouchi, and Mayor Mel "I used to be in furniture ads" Lastman.
-- Johnath
The Marketing Division of Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Encyclopedia Galactica (eventually).